I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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