We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
