All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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