no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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