woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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