i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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