Where did you get a picture of my penis
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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