One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
