I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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