This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
