Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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