I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
