I used to practice getting hit by cars.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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