i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
