I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
