sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
