All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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