All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
