i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
