You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
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