She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
My vagina is very pro this idea
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
