I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
