Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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