I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
