Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
