Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
