Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
