you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
