I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
