So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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