i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
