she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
