Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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