his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
