maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Randomize
