Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
