i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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