Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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