i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
