dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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