Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
