well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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