I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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