Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
