the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
