After last night, I could never be a politician.
Your dad touched me again.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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