I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
