Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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