I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
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