So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
