I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Randomize
