At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
