glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
