Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
